Why
I’m a Dreamer
By: Radiance
I have never
really seen myself as a single entity, more of a rough collection of a great
many things. A son, a brother, a friend,
a lover, a knight, a hero, a warm hug after a bad day, a stupid joke when
you’re feeling down, sometimes just a random smile from a stranger. I could go
on and on, however I will focus upon the things that define my (seemingly)
crazy and mixed up beliefs. The first of
which being, technically I am an atheist.
Like
most “why I am ____" explanations, mine starts with stories as it my
historical reasons for rejecting my family’s faith which was the first step on
the journey to where I stand now. As a
child born into a family of heavy, heavy, Christian beliefs religion was the
explanation of/for many things including how we should act and why nature was
the way it is. I was a child with
insatiable curiosity and never ending questions. Either just to shut me up or out of real
belief it was offered to as many explanations, they were answers that were unfulfilling and usually led to more
questions. Like most children who
question Christianity I came upon that one truly damning question “If God
created the everything, who created him?” and while whatever answer I was given
appeased me for the moment that question stuck with me and was the base of my
disbelief even as a child. As I grew older this beginning grew into what seems
to me as a huge lack of evidence, the base of my disbelief as an adult.
Next
was the love of logic that grew as I did, I was especially fond of logic
puzzles or games that involved a lot of problem solving. This led me to question the contradictions in
the bible, facing my old doubt with a new sense of logic. For example
Genesis
1:31 and Genesis
6:5-6, the first says god was pleased with his creation of the garden, the
second said it displeased him, which also brings up the question of why he
would create anything that displeases him. Since he is supposedly omnipotent
why not create everything in a pleasing manner, it seems pretty silly to stop a
creation while you are displeased with it but being omnipotent and omniscient
should make you able to create anything just the way you want it. Spotting
contradictions in the words, led me to look towards the people. Why do people who show up on a certain day of
the week in a certain building and teach love and tolerance, go out into the
world and spread fear and hatred. Even if they do not mean to, when they
ostracize others for their beliefs that they cause animosity even hatred
towards themselves and their religion.
The
final step in this process was a recent one, one I had not been willing to see.
Judgment
I
had always been taught that Christians were kind and loving, it caused me to
commit the fallacy that we discussed in class under the name “respect creep”
and that while I had been very good at respecting other regardless of their
beliefs, they did not do the same for me.
My eyes were opened to the idea that even when most christians claim to
accept a person, they usually follow
with something to the effect of “its not my place to judge” or “God will be
judging them, not me” portraying that they will still be judged. An idea I have discovered that I am not ok
with.
This
concept was slammed in my face with the recent fiasco of my wedding plans.
I
told the class of what was happening, how my family freaked out about a
boy wearing a dress, well the story has had time to play out and its time to
catch up to its current resting place for the good of understanding the most
current evolution of my beliefs.
The interrogating of my family that
I could actually speak to, and with the aid of some reconnaissance and honestly
quite a bit of damage control by my brother (Daniel Murphy) I discovered a
horrifying truth.
It
was not that he would be wearing a dress, it was that he is homosexual.
My
wedding was upturned because my family has a religious problem with
homosexuals.
The
family member who had offered a place to have the wedding backed out and asked
that we not have it there, I heard that people might approach him about his
faith and ending up in hell, and I was even told that both my grandmothers and
my father would not be able to attend because of their beliefs. I realized that
I have no reason to respect these people’s beliefs if they would not even show
me the courtesy I showed them for close to 23 years, they wont see me even bow
my head in respect when they pray any longer… they’ll be lucky if I stay quiet…
At this point a need to pause, both
to calm myself and to thank every member of this class. If not for this class I likely would have
made quite a few rash and rage fueled decisions that include not speaking to
any of my family for the foresee-able
future and becoming a Dawkins-esk atheist who is extremely open and
blunt about my own beliefs and disbelief in the common local religions.
So
thank you for being supportive and reminding me that there are logical
theologians out there still.
However
that does conclude my story as to why I reject the Christian faith.
I began some years ago researching
other religions. Quickly ruling out all
of three of the Christian, jewish, islam triad and all their assorted flavors,
I turned to less locally common
views. I found some things I
liked about many, particularly Buddhism. But nothing felt quite right, I
figured out somewhere along the line
that I reject the whole idea of a single deity completely and naturally.
Whatever whole I have in me is not god shaped.
Therefore I am an atheist, but
taking this class has shown me something else.
I don’t fit the typical mold of the
word ‘atheist,’ more specifically that of a naturalist which seems to be what
most people assume when they hear the word atheist.
I don’t know why, maybe its from a
child who’s always had his head in the clouds or is nose in some sort of
fantasy world (be it a book or otherwise) but I cannot reject the mystic or
super natural.
I stand before an entire unfathomly
huge universe that is itself a testimate and evidence of the laws of the
natural world, while I do look in awe at its beauty, and deep down I long for
something more. Be it karma,
non-scientific energy (emotional, will based), magic, or even a world of dreams
I feel that there is more to this world than meets the eye. But before you rule my thoughts out as
completely illogical I have a few instances that I can cling to as examples
that there may be more to this world.
The first is the simple almost artistic beauty of nature, from the modern interpretation of what the universe looks like, to the fact that the molecules in our bodies were produced in stars out in the cosmos, or even the interesting connection to a good song that you can relate to. This is mostly an appreciation of natural beauty that appeals to my sense of wonder.
The next I shall use the example
of my fiancé, Panda. She possesses two
abilities that I have tested repeatedly and she has never failed, one science
can mimic and the other it can only guess at. Mind you that these are not unique abilities,
many other people possess them she is merely a good example.
The
first is her ability to somehow sense the ‘feelings’ of others, while some
level of this is common among many people she possesses a high level of this
ability commonly referred to as empathy.
Upon first meeting someone new she almost flawlessly can tell what kind
of person they are, and can identify
people through solid objects without auditory cue. I commonly tested this by having her announce
who was about to come in the door when I lived at an apartment with two other
people. She was never wrong, and could usually even tell if they had
guests. There are many psychologists who
can do who she does when meeting new people, by actively observing the person’s
movements, speech patterns, and other bodily signs. I have never met one,
however, that could mimic the door test.
Her explanation was simply that she could feel the person at the door
and could identify from memory what my roommates and their typical guests felt
like.
The second ability
she has, that is also not unique just uncommon, is actually an unexplainable
condition of the brain called Synesthesia.
Sometime common in description of certain hallucinogenic drugs, synesthesia is
the involuntary union of two senses. Current science has no clue as to how,
when, or why synesthesia happens, but they have concluded after some testing
that it is a real condition. For Panda
those senses are sound (specifically music) and color, when she hears music she
sees something to the effect of fireworks or a laser light show. The two senses are permanently bound
together, to her music without color has no meaning and is not enjoyable
(taking very special circumstances to produce normally) or occurring in spoken
word based song with little accompaniment, prompting her claims that such
things are not music.
My last example is something much more
common, everyone has heard of it and almost everyone has some sort of faith in
it, science has no hope of ever explaining it, and religion often disagrees
with it.
Love
It can make the most logical people do stupid things, it can turn misery
to happiness, it can cause bliss and elation and even holds a twisted flipside
that can destroy a person from the inside out and can strip all color and
pleasure from the world.
Amor Omnia Vincit
Love conquers all
This is one of the few things I truly believe
and have faith in.
I don’t know what
else to say about Love, it is a mote of magic that gives me hope in the cold
and unforgiving presence of science.
I know it is sort of
a weird place to stop, but this is kind of where I stand at the end of this
class. I have renewed my search into who
I am, at least this part of me that had been repressed by religion up until
now. But I still have my inability to reject mysticism and the super natural
even though I reject the idea of a deity.
I have had a wonderful time and found support in a time of need in this class and want to thank all of you for making it such an experience. Thank You.
Good Luck in all you do, may your worlds always have more Light than Dark, and never stop Smiling
~The Shining Radiance
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteShine on, Radiance. I'm sure there's more in heaven and earth than's dreamt of in our philosophy, too. I'm just holding out for it's being natural as well!
ReplyDeleteAnyway: happy nuptials, good luck, be well. Don't stop asking those questions. Don't let family bring you down. (Look at the bright side: you probably won't be spending eternity with them.)
Yo Radiance, let's get your girlfriend in the lab with James Randi and claim your million dollars. What have you got to lose?
ReplyDeleteI had to laugh, yeah it is comforting to know there are many people i wont have to suffer an eternity with.
DeleteDavid i had to go look that up. I wish! The empathy would definitely be interesting to see a scientific test against.
As I was typing this I have actually become interested in this...As you said, what do we have to lose, I may actually talk to her about this. If people can test on being psychic why would they reject her... I keep laughing that I'm actually considering this, but she sounds far more reasonable than quite a few applicants I've read.
I'm sure your girlfriend is very good at intuitively assembling lots of subconscious data in such a way that it seems uncanny. But talents of this sort have an unfailing way of disappearing under controlled conditions. Take away the sound of arriving vehicles, the faint footsteps, the shadows on the blinds, the vaguely overheard conversations, the strength of the door knock, etc, and what you have left is not as impressive. None of which is to say that she isn't very good at putting all of those contextual clues together, or that it isn't fun to watch :-)
DeleteDavid spoils it for everybody. :)
ReplyDeleteRadiance, you have a truly applicable appellation. I wish you and your family the best. Here's to peace, love and tolerance.
I, too, would be willing to bet your girlfriend is constructing empirical evidence (see David and Phil's posts) and forming conclusions from that rather than simply out of thin air. That being said, there's always a first but I won't be holding my breath.
Carry on!
dh
Dean: Thank you and the best to you and your family as well.
ReplyDeleteDavid and dean: I do admit that her "ability" is very likely a subconscious gathering of knowledge, and very often may be. But me or the few other people who have witnessed it have been surprised. However, i am also aware at such "abilities" and their tendency to dissapear under rigorous trial. I do think she is far more qualified than every single trial i read about, but more importantly would just find it extremely entertaining to try.
Like even going into it knowing she would likely fail, it would be fun to try. The only stumbling block is thinking a way to properly test her 'ability.'
Like I said, I want to try and talk her into it just cause i think it would be fun...ohh and on the off chance she could stump a few scientists we could win a bunch O' moneys. Thats the kicker, it does not have to be forever unexplainable, just right up until the point to are tested. If they explain it even just a few days down the line you get to keeps the moneys.
TL:DR it may be very explainable, but it would be fun to try!